Minsan parang ayaw ko nang magsulat, dahil tuwing napapasulat ako, pare-pareho nalang ang paksa...walang kamatayang reklamo, paghahanap ng consuwelo, etc. etc. Sana naman minsan maisulat ko naman iyong siyang masasayang mga bagay, mga nakakatuwang pangyayari, iyong bang tinatawag nilang "inspirational" imbis na "frustrational" (panumbalik kay Webster sa paglikha ng bagong salita). Sa isang banda naman, sa mga panahong ito madali ang magsulat. Malamang dahil maraming gustong sabihin ang puso-ang pusong pagod sa mga pangyayari ng totoong buhay, naghahanap nang siyang masisilungan mula sa malakas na pagbagsak ng luha mula sa langit-luha ng katotohanang dala ng mundo at ng mga pangyayaring pinanghahawakan nito. Mabuti nalang mayroong mga salita. Hinuhukay ng mga salita ang aking kaloob-looban at tinutulungan akong iluwa ang siyang mga naglalarong kuro-kuro sa aking isipan. Katulad ng pagiyak, paghagulgol o pagluha, sa bawa't salitang isulat o sabihin, nailuluwa sa mundo ang siyang duming nakapagpapabugtunghiniga.
Kung sino mang nakababasa: Pasensya na. Pareho tayong nauumay na sa paligoy ligoy na mga salitang iisa lang ang sinasabi. Sana nalang ay tulungan ako sa pagdarasal na sa susunod na pagkakataon, hindi na lamang lungkot, kawalan o kahirapan ang siyang maipaksa, kundi minsan pa ma'y mabatid naman ang mga pangyayaring nagdudulot ng kaligayahan.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
bangag
CAUTION: ramblings from someone who has been literally staring at the monitor for quite a number of hours.
i believe that i live almost everyday in a state of "bangag"-ness...and i do not pertain to the commonly known "bangag", indicating a lack of sleep or rest, or something to that extent. I believe that my life as a whole has become bangag-a certain state of limbo, between being awake and being asleep (figuratively, of course). It seems like each 14 hours I am awake that pass everyday has become merely, literally, a passing of time-actions reduced to an almost meaningless set of physical and/or mental kinestetics (tama ba ang spelling, ewan;p); action devoid of consequence or deep reason. Bangag is a robotic reality;a puppet's existence;a pet's disposition; the list goes on...Ironically, although such a concept is absurd and greatly irrelevant even to speak of, much can still be said and compared about and with it. In my ranting, maybe, just maybe, i hope to awaken whatever it is that has the ability to draw me out of such melancholy, either from within or from without, join me in my struggle, or better yet, take me away, far away from here.
... the above rambling of words, in a struggle for coherence, is but a mere reflection of the chaos present in the void within me. So much words to describe so less content.
i believe that i live almost everyday in a state of "bangag"-ness...and i do not pertain to the commonly known "bangag", indicating a lack of sleep or rest, or something to that extent. I believe that my life as a whole has become bangag-a certain state of limbo, between being awake and being asleep (figuratively, of course). It seems like each 14 hours I am awake that pass everyday has become merely, literally, a passing of time-actions reduced to an almost meaningless set of physical and/or mental kinestetics (tama ba ang spelling, ewan;p); action devoid of consequence or deep reason. Bangag is a robotic reality;a puppet's existence;a pet's disposition; the list goes on...Ironically, although such a concept is absurd and greatly irrelevant even to speak of, much can still be said and compared about and with it. In my ranting, maybe, just maybe, i hope to awaken whatever it is that has the ability to draw me out of such melancholy, either from within or from without, join me in my struggle, or better yet, take me away, far away from here.
... the above rambling of words, in a struggle for coherence, is but a mere reflection of the chaos present in the void within me. So much words to describe so less content.
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